Apples And Oranges, cont.

[A spaceship is hovering over the Earth and the aliens inside are listening in on all the chatter coming from that odd race called humans...] 

“The fruit of the martyrs is approaching a glorious end! The sweet smell of our righteous anger has reached the heavens and now the full measure of allah's anger will smash the infidels—smash them in the full ripeness of his anger! Thanks be to god...our plans have hung from the holy branch of justice long enough—now we are ready! Yes, the fruit of anger against the infidels is ripe on the tree of holy jihad! Our final struggle against Zion is at hand! Praise be to allah! We now stand ready to join the martyrs! To fall on the heads of those infidels! Ah, the sweet glorious vengeance of allah! Yes, even the American press—those dogs—even they support us! The Americans, the dogs, they praise the beautiful sounds of our just cause! How can they not? Yes, we will kill all infidels! Praise be to the the most beneficent one—ali ackbar!”

Hmm.

The cause.

Let's take refuge in the ubiquitous cause. Truly something that should be cherished and loved. Not just cherished, but worshipped. 

Bottled.

Actually I think it already has been bottled—just a little pinch between the cheek and gums. Splash a little on—so refreshing! The Cause has that spicy flavor—cha-cha! Guaranteed to make you the envy of your neighborhood. Get some Cause today—only 19.95!

But that's not all! Order now and we’ll send you not one, but two, impression-holders—at no additional cost! Yours absolutely free when you order—The Cause!

Local taxes may vary...

Oh for the good old days when you could hold that cell-phone detonator in your hot little holy hands and just kill those infidels! Kill, kill, kill! Put your protest in signage (in English, of course.) Put that puppy up in lights; consult the NY Times...

Ali ackbar, dude.

The aliens twist their long necks round and look at each other, shrugging, “Morons! Idiot schizophrenics—try as they might, they still tear themselves to pieces—little realizing it is us! Our very own jilt-rays cause their problems! We shoot them with greed and arrogance and hate! They go mad! Those silly capitalists—and those Islamists! They're so easy! Mad as lemmings...”

Meanwhile, back on Earth...

The Producer brushes dandruff off of his shoulders, and pauses to read the latest script he's received...

Hmm...

“You know, this is the most powerful keyboard in the world—and it could blow your head clean off...so you gotta ask yourself one question, punk!”

--Yes? What was that?

Sorry. Wrong script.

“Sharon! You gave me the wrong script!”

Oh! All right! Back to reality.

Need a little nudging do you? To the one way? Or to the other— 

Sorry. The only nudging you'll be getting is to sign off on that air-strike by Hanoi Jane. Cause paper is turning electronic. Like in the ole days. Just go and tell it on the mountains!

All together now!

Go, tell it on the mount-tain! Go, tell it on the mountain...      Go, tell it to the mountain, hell-no we-won't go!

Now kids, here's a real golden-oldie! Huh?

You don't want the stinkin' apples, huh? I see. You want the oranges. Save the whales.

What's that? Already skinned, is it? Split down the middle, yes? Good. U huh, and a fine job it—easier to fillet.

Is that appropriate?

“What! Marge—honey! If I do that they won't buy my soap!”

Remember there was, still is, always will be—the ubiquitous 'Public at large!'

Ladies and germs, let's split this thing down both sides.

...who's sorry now—who's sorry now...

“Indeed, I see a hand at the back of the peanut gallery. What was that? You’re neither liberal nor conservative? Oh my. Oh my. This won't do at all.

Right then. We’ll include you too, Mr. and Mrs. independent. Good. Now then, let's begin.

You care? You care deeply? No? We have a problem then. Because even if you don't care, really you do—about not caring, that is. And I should know! 

The man in the second row? Yes? You're leaving because Grey's Anatomy is about to start?”

Oh.

From our colonnaded portico's we sip our mint juleps, and we make the pronouncement, “Ask not what you can do for your country—ask what your country can do for you!”

The guy that sits behind the oval, smiles behind the oval.

We're still in Iraq. And expanding into Afghanistan.

Ali ackbar, dude.

As concerns the war on terror, I think a little madness is appropriate. At this juncture.

You like apples? Fine.

As concerns the war on terror, I think a little madness is appropriate. At this juncture.

You like apples? Fine.

As concerns the war on terror, I think a little madness is appropriate. At this juncture.

You like apples? Fine.